Confessions of a Security Guard: Art of Standing Around Professionally

People think being a security guard is easy. They see you standing there, maybe scrolling through your phone during a quiet moment, and assume you're basically getting paid to exist in a uniform. What they don't realize is that I'm not just standing here, I'm professionally standing here. There's a difference.

The Skills They Don't Teach You in Training

Sure, the training covered incident reports and emergency procedures, but nobody prepared me for the real challenges of this job. Like developing the ability to look alert and intimidating while simultaneously thinking about what I'm having for lunch. Or mastering the delicate art of the "security guard nod" that subtle head movement that says, "I see you, I acknowledge you, and yes, I could absolutely stop you if you tried anything, but we both know you won't, so have a nice day."

Then there's the bladder training. Olympic athletes have nothing on security guards when it comes to strategic hydration management. You learn to calculate your water intake with the precision of a NASA engineer because there's no "quick bathroom break" when you're the only person watching the entrance.

And let's talk about the weather. I've stood in conditions that would make a mailman quit. Scorching summer days where the pavement is literally melting, winter nights where I've questioned every life choice that led me to this frozen parking lot. But you develop a thousand-yard stare that transcends physical discomfort. Clients walk by and say, "Cold out here, huh?" and I just smile, because my soul left my body three hours ago.

The Greatest Hits

You meet all kinds of characters in this job. There was the guy who tried to convince me his expired ID from 2022 was "still totally valid because time is just a social construct, man." I let security protocol handle that philosophical debate.

Then there's the regular who greets me every single morning with, "Working hard or hardly working?" It's been two years. Same joke. Every day. I've crafted seventeen different polite laughs for this moment, and I rotate through them to keep things fresh for myself.

My favorite was the woman who got locked out of her car in the parking lot and, instead of calling a locksmith, tried to convince me that because I was "security," I must obviously know how to break into vehicles. Ma'am, if I knew how to properly break into cars, I'd have a very different job title.

There was also the time someone asked me to help them move a couch "real quick" because I was "just standing there anyway." Yes, sir, I'm just standing here. Guarding. Which is literally the job. But sure, let me abandon my post to become your personal moving service.

Why I Keep Coming Back

Here's the thing nobody tells you: this job gives you a front-row seat to humanity. You see people at their best and worst, their most rushed and most relaxed. You become part of the daily rhythm of a place, a familiar face that people actually appreciate seeing.

Plus, I've mastered the ultimate life skill, the ability to look busy while doing absolutely nothing. That's transferable to any workplace.

But mostly, I keep coming back because someone has to be the person who stands between order and chaos, even if that chaos is just Karen trying to bring her emotional support peacock into a building with a strict no-peacock policy.

So next time you walk past a security guard, remember: we're not just standing there. We're standing there with purpose. There's a difference. We just make it look easy.